Reflecting on kindness

 There's a kindness expo today run by a charity I have supported for years and put a lot of money into, and for the first time ever I didn't go. I've been reflecting on what kindness truly means this past year especially when it comes to big groups that push certain messages.

I always tried to centre myself around those whose main message was kindness, however I've realized that kindness is individual and sometimes comes with stipulations. What is kind to one person isn't kind to another.

For example, I had a lot of friends refuse to share my fundraiser to help with medical debt. Just sharing it on their socials could have helped massively and I wouldn't have had to suffer any longer, especially when one of my friends had quite a lot of influence. Instead, they all refused because of their rules on how they acted kind. Kindness to them was that they only did things that sat right with them, and it had to be the same rule for everyone so they didn't get overwhelmed with requests from strangers. Their point, I understood, but it also meant that I had to take a loan out, cut back on meals, spent half a year paying the money and would sit in freezing cold rooms with blankets on. I'd work longer hours and take on extra side jobs. Because of the stress and not getting any help, the treatment ended up being useless because I was in so much pain from exertion. 

One act of kindness, even taking a little of the load off or setting aside personal rules for a friend, could have made things very different.

I now refuse to ask for any help, and will never post a fundraiser no matter how dire things get.

I've also experienced faulty kindness when it comes to autism. Those with bigger platforms have asked me to educate them or asked my advice, but I've never been invited to write or say anything for their platforms. Instead, I'm free labour whilst bigger platforms get praised! It's why I stopped posting anything to do with autism and why I don't join in with AA month anymore. A true kindness would be to be sat at the table with everyone else.

When it comes to kindness, there is a lot of hypocrisy. I've been messaged before by those who work for kindness charities to say I'm too negative, due to my depression and anxiety. These same people will then post about mental health awareness. There will also be multiple posts about checking in on friends, however it's a false expectation that they don't carry out.

It's hard to define what kindness is when so many act for their own satisfaction, however to me kindness is about giving a space for someone to tell you what they need, and having your actions also match your words. Such kindness can include:

-Having a specific half hour to chat to friends

-having proper conversations and not just small talk

-parallel play 

-having the option to video chat or call

-acknowledging struggles and asking how that struggle is going and what you can do to support

-joining in with interests 

-reminding friends why you love them and what it is about them that brings you joy

-more actions instead of just words

-making plans and not empty promises 

-accepting love languages instead of refusing them

-treating struggles as a thing to care for, not a hindrance or a burden

Kindness is about hearts joining together, and recognizing one another, and that cannot be done when there are stipulations or you're acting for your own interests. It's acknowledging that your life includes others, and that time with them is precious and short. I think, in the age of social media and all these groups on kindness, we've lost the true meaning and only act on the appearance of kindness, whilst going about our day being unkind or thoughtless.