More than anything, I wanted a friend

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that social media is not the place to meet your friends, but then I remember it's where I met my three best friends, and so the joy must come with the heartache, it seems.

Thing is, when you talk about being lonely or rejected online, anyone who is following you don't really want to look for the bigger picture. They'll comment "you're not rejected! It's just the algorithm!" Without asking what it is you're on about. 

What I'm on about, is the fact that I knew so many people, and had to let them all go just so I could heal.

When I love, I love with all my heart. I give hours of my day, gift give as a love language and am always saying "hey! This made me think of you!" If anything, I liked being the sweet friend who was always thinking of others, but it didn't stay that way.

I'm not someone who classes herself as "busy" as I give time to what I love, and a part of that is people and friendship. It was no hardship to spend hours sending messages, checking in online and wishing people a good day.

I don't know when they started seeing me as something they didn't have time for, but slowly that same energy that I'd sometimes receive back, disappeared completely.

Oh, I tried to be understanding, with everything I had. But it felt like the more I stayed, the more I seemed to disappear inside of myself with every unanswered message.

Then the gifts started getting sent back. The help was declined. How was I meant to see that?

How on earth was I not meant to shatter and hurt and cry? Oh, but reader, I was a fool. I let this go on for months with a smile on my face and said it was all fine.

I was a total, utter liar. I was so deeply hurt. Every. Single. Time. When I said I understood that they couldn't share my fundraiser to help me get out of debt? I didn't understand one bit. When I had to message about my birthday because I hadn't gotten a happy birthday? Oh I wanted to carve that cake knife straight into my own heart.

If you think that maybe, I'm too dramatic, imagine months of silence, and then the only interaction you do get is rejection. It's enough to drive anyone to despair.

Staying online, surrounded by many like this was the reason I tried to unalive myself. And I told them I loved them and that I was grateful for them, whilst crying myself to sleep and wondering why I wasn't enough for a few minutes of their time, or a hand to hold, or just anything at all really.

I did love them, that bit was never a lie. I think I will always love them, but loving them almost killed me and I spent the whole of this year a shell of myself without anyone noticing. The one thing I regret was not having the courage to confront these things in person, or stop lying to myself. But never once did I want to hurt anyone with my thoughts or feelings.

Pretty ironic, huh? I spent so long suffering in silence, just to be kind.

I'm ok with being seen as an option, or a villain, or someone you don't have time for. I'm just proud of myself for stopping this cycle now, no matter how it makes me look.

Because the real truth? I just wanted a friend.