Three years later

 I don't know what made me pick up this blog again, but recently, I've been having the urge to write. And not just a bit of poetry or a book review, but write essays and novels on everything....if only I knew where to start.

I've finally left Instagram and all other social media platforms behind (I hope) and was scared about being on another public platform. Yet this is one I can manage, where you don't see your audience and aren't waiting for the silence to fade and for someone to heart a post or finally, finally, message you back. I can't even begin to describe my mental state over the course of this year, but here I can begin to unravel myself and rebuild.

I began to truly come apart when I saw just how lonely I was, and how much I was focusing on the wrong people. I'd spent years of my life online, and so it was just normal to me to post everything and wait for reactions, and never once did I shake myself and think "girl, you are truly lonely."

It wasn't until I was holding onto my duvet, screaming and shaking that I knew, enough had to be enough. 

I began to pale in many a person's eyes; fade out and any good opinion quickly went. Was it because I was reckless? Because I didn't know when to stop talking about that dark, empty place inside of me? When I became too much to just be a normal friend? Or maybe it was because I wanted too much. I wanted a lifeline to hold onto when everything became so rocky. I wanted comfort on the cold nights and a promise that I'd still have love in the morning. It became uncomfortable and time consuming, and most had to leave.

Maybe it was because I couldn't give anything else. When the bank account ran dry and I was too tired to plan any grand scheme, I probably wasn't interesting anymore. When I couldn't do anything amazing or noteworthy, I wasn't worth the notice.

I am a fully complex, hurting human who has very little left, but has so much love for many things. Unfortunately, getting that love back and keeping it wasn't something I was ever good at. 

One thing I am grateful for, is my little group of glimmering, gorgeous people who somehow, still love me and are my friends. I still live because of them. They give me time and freedom to be, and for that I'm thankful. 

I don't know what words I have to give. To share. But I'm going to find out over this next year and put all that silence and closing of doors behind me. That place I was in, and the people I was with, is gone now. Now, there is only a long winding road to many possible places.