Finding myself

 After all the years of hardship and having to restart over, I'm having a really hard time feeling connected to myself and knowing what my life is all about.

When I was going through poverty, I always thought "at least I have my books and my games", and then when I didn't have them, it was hard to pick up another book again. I don't know if I'm burned out or drifting, but all the things I knew about myself previously don't seem to be true anymore.

I don't read through books quickly anymore. I might finish one a month at most. Instead of playing a variety of games, I play the same one each week. I don't watch a lot of movies or TV. I don't feel connected to nature. I don't feel motivated to learn or research. 

The most difficult thing has been giving up social media, and yet the only reason I was on there was the hope that I'd get more attention or friendship from people I kept trying to reach out to. I was always sharing things just to feel valid, and yet without it I don't feel like I'm creating or contributing anything. 

I poured myself into so much over the years and it all turned out to be the wrong things and the wrong relationships, and I know that the road back to myself is going to be slow. I can feel it in my soul. 

I truly hope I can find something to hold onto before I break.