Losing friends

 I had a friendship that lasted ten years, that took everything I had mentally and left me with next to nothing.

We met at a convention, and the moment I say that she was a minor celebrity/actress, people are immediately like "she wasn't your friend." And yet she always used to give me attention in such emotive ways.

When you're young and your family isn't that great, and you're autistic, anyone that pays you the slightest bit of kindness is special. So when I received a crate of chocolate or a bracelet, I felt like the most important person ever. 

But as I got older, I felt like I was constantly fighting to stay relevant in her mind. It wasn't a friendship where I could call her up and have a chat. I couldn't face time her or send her things or send some random gossip about my day. When I tried to ask questions they often went unanswered, and yet I was pouring everything I had into this friendship.

I'd stay up till 2am because of the time difference, just to say goodnight. I'd always remember her birthday. I sent suggestions and aid when she felt low, and often offered a shoulder to cry on, words of affirmation or offers of help. Whatever was needed at the time.

I feel like the last ten years have been about me trying to stay friends with someone who was never really invested and who has enough to deal with, and doesn't have time for me, and yet it really stings that I had to find out the long hard way that we were not compatible or filling each other's cup. I was spending a lot of money I didn't have just to get a thank you. I was spending hours of time a day finding ways to have a conversation. All my energy was on "how can I fix this friendship and be present in her life whilst also getting some presence and effort back?"

The more I did, the less I got. When my pet died, it was ages before I got a condolence, and only after I'd spoken about it. The most emotion I got was" sending love" after a bad day. When I was really struggling with medical bills, she wouldn't share my go fund me, and when we had a bomb scare where we lived there was radio silence even though I was so scared.

There just wasn't the capacity to be my friend, and the more I hung on, the more damage I did to myself. 

Eventually I knew I had to pull the plug. I said goodbye in a concise and respectful way and I didn't read her response. There is still so much anger and hurt to work through, but also a relief that I can pay more attention to the people present in my life, who are extremely good friends. 

In a way I feel cheated and lost. I did myself harm for so long and there is no one coming to fix that, and the only thing I can do is keep my eyes forward and be present with those I love.