Struggling through

I wanted to die this week. I'm so so sooo tired of staying alive and yet I don't want to go through suicide.

I looked up countries where you could die from euthenasia, but they charge more than I could ever afford. Plus I wonder if I could actually go through with getting on the plane knowing someone in Switzerland would have to call my mum.

Dying is a messy and complicated business. 

If there is a god, or a creator, I want to punch them in the face for keeping me here. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. Why is that so hard? Just make it my time to go without me having to do something about it.

I hate the thought of living till I'm 40. It breaks my heart. 

I would very much like to go please.