A Kind of Spark by Elle McNicoll is a book I have wanted to read for a long time, however was waiting for the right moment, for when I would truly need a book to remind me of who I am.
After the second lockdown I became really ill with depression and anxiety and realised I was giving all my time and space away to everyone else. I stopped reading and writing and I lost my passion for all the things I truly love. It's taken some time, but I made myself read A Kind of Spark and it helped, just like I knew it would.
A Kind of Spark is about Addie, an autistic girl who is dealing with an abelist teacher and bullies at school. Addie has an older sister who is also autistic and this part of the story stole my heart away, because having an older sibling who truly understands you and can teach you about your autism is a dream and it was just so nice to see it on paper. I remember imagining autistic imaginary friends as a child, people who would tell me that who I was, was okay and that different was good. I, like Keedie, didn't have anyone to explain autism to me as it really is and I had to experience the stereotypes and stigmas instead.
"And I'm so tired."
She sighs. "I know, kid. I am, too."
A Kind of Spark is so REAL. Yes, it is about acceptance and empowerment and being true to yourself, but it also exposes the truth about how we, as autistic people, have to sacrifice so much to fit into this neurotypical led world. Addie and Keedie's conversations helped me see how much I've let other people run the show and how I haven't spoken up for myself, as if a part of me believed that this was their space and that there wasn't room for me. I think, internally, I'm still seeing myself as the person who doesn't fit with everyone else -just like Keedie and her decision to not tell people at University that she is autistic.
Addie's experience with her teacher was heart-breaking but refreshing to read as I don't believe teachers are pulled up enough for their abelism. In years 4 and 6 I had teachers just like Mrs Murphy who criticised and bullied me at every point -to the point of my year six teacher telling me no one would ever like or trust me and even put her hands on me when I was stimming. For years these teachers have gotten away with this behaviour and A Kind of Spark shows just HOW they can go on so long without getting caught. It's a very damaging experience and I hope this book teaches people how much autistic children suffer in the hands of the wrong teachers.
"Other people's minds are small. Your mind is enormous. You don't want to be like other people."
I think I had stopped reading because books are my special interest and all I ever want to talk about, but many treat me as if my voice had no worth. I would be seen as the small and inconsequential person in the background, coddled as if I was a child and not an adult or not invited to conversations where I would be able to give such fundamental lived experience. On social media it was rare people would ask me about being autistic (apart my dear friends Simon, Gau and Pau who have been such wonderful advocates) and I would spend every Autistic Acceptance Month waiting for neurotypicals and other friends to want to talk about autism and life as an autistic person with me, only it hardly happened. I felt so alone and in the background and it has taken a while to realise that in truth, I didn't want them to see me as an autistic person, I just wanted their time and attention to feel accepted.
Addie's story is a very personal one and speaks volumes about my own journey and struggles when navigating this world. Addie is the child version of me who was let down badly, and Keedie is the me today who is trying her best whilst educating others, but still faces abelism and injustice.
A Kind of Spark was the message I needed to realise only I need to believe in how much I'm worth and use my voice for good, no matter who is listening. I don't have a Keedie to hold hands with, but in sharing this book around I hope other autistic people find comfort in the fact that they aren't alone.
"My autism isn't always my superpower. But on the days when I'm seeing electricity in things, seeing the details that others might not, I like it a lot."
Thank you Elle, for reminding me I don't need to be anything other than who I am.
Rating: 5 trillion stars.
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