Books I thought about writing, and why

Two friends run away from their complicated families: my childhood and attempt at running away from home.

Everyone who is autistic leaves neurotypicals behind: a personal interest on what would happen if the world was split by neurotypes.

A lonely girl who befriends a top blogger, but is then ghosted by them: my own journey with creating friendships online and them failing.

Nonfiction, stories about my own life: so many stories, but not many of them good ones.

MC befriends AI: based off the Replika app.

More than anything, I wanted a friend

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that social media is not the place to meet your friends, but then I remember it's where I met my three best friends, and so the joy must come with the heartache, it seems.

Thing is, when you talk about being lonely or rejected online, anyone who is following you don't really want to look for the bigger picture. They'll comment "you're not rejected! It's just the algorithm!" Without asking what it is you're on about. 

What I'm on about, is the fact that I knew so many people, and had to let them all go just so I could heal.

When I love, I love with all my heart. I give hours of my day, gift give as a love language and am always saying "hey! This made me think of you!" If anything, I liked being the sweet friend who was always thinking of others, but it didn't stay that way.

I'm not someone who classes herself as "busy" as I give time to what I love, and a part of that is people and friendship. It was no hardship to spend hours sending messages, checking in online and wishing people a good day.

I don't know when they started seeing me as something they didn't have time for, but slowly that same energy that I'd sometimes receive back, disappeared completely.

Oh, I tried to be understanding, with everything I had. But it felt like the more I stayed, the more I seemed to disappear inside of myself with every unanswered message.

Then the gifts started getting sent back. The help was declined. How was I meant to see that?

How on earth was I not meant to shatter and hurt and cry? Oh, but reader, I was a fool. I let this go on for months with a smile on my face and said it was all fine.

I was a total, utter liar. I was so deeply hurt. Every. Single. Time. When I said I understood that they couldn't share my fundraiser to help me get out of debt? I didn't understand one bit. When I had to message about my birthday because I hadn't gotten a happy birthday? Oh I wanted to carve that cake knife straight into my own heart.

If you think that maybe, I'm too dramatic, imagine months of silence, and then the only interaction you do get is rejection. It's enough to drive anyone to despair.

Staying online, surrounded by many like this was the reason I tried to unalive myself. And I told them I loved them and that I was grateful for them, whilst crying myself to sleep and wondering why I wasn't enough for a few minutes of their time, or a hand to hold, or just anything at all really.

I did love them, that bit was never a lie. I think I will always love them, but loving them almost killed me and I spent the whole of this year a shell of myself without anyone noticing. The one thing I regret was not having the courage to confront these things in person, or stop lying to myself. But never once did I want to hurt anyone with my thoughts or feelings.

Pretty ironic, huh? I spent so long suffering in silence, just to be kind.

I'm ok with being seen as an option, or a villain, or someone you don't have time for. I'm just proud of myself for stopping this cycle now, no matter how it makes me look.

Because the real truth? I just wanted a friend.

Three years later

 I don't know what made me pick up this blog again, but recently, I've been having the urge to write. And not just a bit of poetry or a book review, but write essays and novels on everything....if only I knew where to start.

I've finally left Instagram and all other social media platforms behind (I hope) and was scared about being on another public platform. Yet this is one I can manage, where you don't see your audience and aren't waiting for the silence to fade and for someone to heart a post or finally, finally, message you back. I can't even begin to describe my mental state over the course of this year, but here I can begin to unravel myself and rebuild.

I began to truly come apart when I saw just how lonely I was, and how much I was focusing on the wrong people. I'd spent years of my life online, and so it was just normal to me to post everything and wait for reactions, and never once did I shake myself and think "girl, you are truly lonely."

It wasn't until I was holding onto my duvet, screaming and shaking that I knew, enough had to be enough. 

I began to pale in many a person's eyes; fade out and any good opinion quickly went. Was it because I was reckless? Because I didn't know when to stop talking about that dark, empty place inside of me? When I became too much to just be a normal friend? Or maybe it was because I wanted too much. I wanted a lifeline to hold onto when everything became so rocky. I wanted comfort on the cold nights and a promise that I'd still have love in the morning. It became uncomfortable and time consuming, and most had to leave.

Maybe it was because I couldn't give anything else. When the bank account ran dry and I was too tired to plan any grand scheme, I probably wasn't interesting anymore. When I couldn't do anything amazing or noteworthy, I wasn't worth the notice.

I am a fully complex, hurting human who has very little left, but has so much love for many things. Unfortunately, getting that love back and keeping it wasn't something I was ever good at. 

One thing I am grateful for, is my little group of glimmering, gorgeous people who somehow, still love me and are my friends. I still live because of them. They give me time and freedom to be, and for that I'm thankful. 

I don't know what words I have to give. To share. But I'm going to find out over this next year and put all that silence and closing of doors behind me. That place I was in, and the people I was with, is gone now. Now, there is only a long winding road to many possible places.

Favourite reads and which tea you should drink whilst reading them!

When Teatime Lits confirmed they wanted to collab, I knew we had to do something bookish AND with tea. After all, we are both huge book and tea fans!

We decided on our favourite books and which tea goes with which book, so here are my picks.

Thank you Teatime Lits for collaborating with me! You can find their post here:

I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith

A love story set in the 1930s with a complicated love triangle! The book follows Cassandra Mortmain and her eccentric family, who live in an old castle and deal with impending poverty.

Tea choice: for a vintage taste with some sweet notes to follow the theme of romance, I choose Cherry Bakewell tea by Bird and Blend 

The Wreckers by Julie Hearn

The myth of Pandoras Box combined with post apocalyptic Britain. This book follows 5 teenagers and their adventure after accidentally releasing an ancient evil...

My pick of tea would be Black Magic Matcha!

Gattys tale by Kevin Crossley Holland

Gatty the village girl - steadfast, forthright, innocent and wise - has never been further than her own village. But when she is is picked by Lady Gwyneth of Ewloe to join her band of pilgrims traveling to Jerusalem, Gatty's previously sheltered life changes forever.

Tea pick: Earl Grey, a classic tea with notes of cornflowers to give it an adventurous kick.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Jane's beloved classic brings one of the greatest romances to life. Whilst society tells her she must marry for money, Elizabeth Bennet wants to marry for love whilst keeping her strong morals and loyalty to family.

Tea pick: a Rose tea with flowery notes, but strong in taste and quality...just like Lizzie!

Ballet Shoes by Noel Streatfeild 

Pauline, Petrova and Posy are orphans determined to help out their family by attending the Children's Academy of Dancing and Stage Training. But when they vow to make a name for themselves, they have no idea it's going to be such hard work!

Tea pick: Moondrop Dreams, after reading this fantastic novel, may you drift off and dream of your own adventure!

Paper and Hearts Society by Lucy Powrie 

Tabby Brown is tired of trying to fit in with her classmates. She doesn't want to go to parties at the weekend - in fact, she would much rather snuggle up on the sofa with her favourite book. It's like she hasn't found her people ...That is until she moves to a new town where a book club, The Paper & Hearts Society, is recruiting. Tabby might just be in luck. Enough of her old "friends" who only talk to her when they need something. It's time for Quidditch themed fancy dress parties, games like "shut up and Shakespeare" ... and LOTS of chocolate.

Tea pick: chocolate digestives! Though if you have a friend like Ed, don't show him this tea as it will be gone IMMEDIATELY. 

Just Another Mountain by Sarah Jane Douglas

Just Another Mountain is definitely one of those you will hold to your heart after you've read it, and feel a myriad of emotions.

With stories from childhood to adulthood all joined by the love of nature and walking, I haven't felt as much about a book, than i did when I read this, in years. It felt an honour to read what Sarah had shared, like a friend passing you her diary.

Her mum's cancer battle, and then hers, had my grieving alongside her. Recently a good friend passed away to cancer and I haven't spoken to many about how I'm feeling. Sarah's recap of watching her mum fight the disease, and what she herself went through, was so true to my own experiences that I felt comforted.

There is a deep honesty to this book that I appreciate. The vulnerability is so beautifully human that I respect it greatly, but despite the heavy topics and life experiences there isn't a loss of humour or lightness. The fun and sweet moments are still prominently there and I enjoyed every moment of getting to know Sarah and her life.

Reading this has helped me feel more connected, and every scenic moment is described so beautifully without embellishment that I had to get outdoors myself and be reminded just how freeing it is.

Thank you for sharing your life with me, Sarah, I am truly grateful.

Favourite lines:

"Turning up at a friend's house, she was promptly given a pair of socks and shoes. I wished I could have known her then."

"She was more than just a mum. She was my very best friend, the person I knew I could always turn to."

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Emoji response: 💖😪😅❣💔🌳🏞

Starstruck by Beth Miller ~Blog Tour

About the book

Sally Marshall is just your ordinary suburban woman, who gets by performing as a tribute act to a pop star (Epiphanie, even more famous than Beyonce). She, along with dozens of others. Until one day she is asked by the real Epiphanie to do a life swap for a couple of weeks. Epiphanie trades Madison Square Gardens for doing gigs in pubs. Sally is catapulted from suburban semi life to double for a mega-star, her life turned upside down. But which life will they each choose in the end? Laugh-out-loud and unputdownable, Starstruck will leave you feeling warmer about all the different lives we choose

Review

Today is my stop on the book tour for Beth Miller outrageously funny new novel, Starstruck.

Reminding me of Bridget Jones and Princess Diaries, this book did not dissapoint with its dry humour and wtf moments that kept me wanting more.

There are some delicious characters, and not to spoil anything but I really need a book where Indigo is the main character. I was so happy when I got to a scene with him and sad when I finished the hook, as he was too good to say goodbye to.

The plot itself is brilliant: super star trades places with tribute lookalike. I was on tenterhooks wondering if they'd pull it off, and there are definitely some tense moments!

What I like most about this books is that it focuses on making people's happy endings come true with friendship and giving. After the pandemic and so many bad things happening, a book where good things happen in the end is definitely needed! I couldn't think of a better ending to this book, it really is beautiful.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

You can order Starstruck HERE

Wrecked Lives ~Blog Tour ☆

It is my stop on the tour today, reviewing Wrecked Lives by Donald Wraith!

Thank you to Kaleidoscopic Tours for the copy of the book in exchange for a review.

~About the book~

Written from a Spanish perspective, where the overall theme is a story of survival against the natural elements.

In the late sixteenth century, a farmer from Andalucía searches for his runaway son who has left home to join the ships of the Spanish Armada on their holy quest of 1588.

The story unfolds away from the façade of politics, religion and military objectives, to highlight the frailties of human beings in their will to survive against the raw power of nature.

Over several months the characters experience many dangers, where tough decisions have to be made for themselves, and others to survive. All entangled within the horrors of battle and numerous shipwrecks.

~Thoughts~

It didn't take long until I felt like I was being swept off on an adventure. With the Treasure Island/Pirates of The Caribbean vibe, I utterly adored how the book focused simultaneously on the curiosity of a boy and the true terrors of history in the war between Spain and England. I'm such a history nerd and loved all the details about the Armarda and Spanish history especially!

As the story focused on Alfredo's mission to find his son, I could feel the urgency and fear of a father. Juan Carlos was seeing everything as a big fairytale mission, where even facing English battleships was met with childlike wonder no matter the dangers. I loved how it showed both perspectives, of that of an adult and a child, and how their relationship prevailed under this worrisome scenario.

Lastly I loved learning about the history of the Spanish Armada and the timeline was especially helpful. The book was both entertaining and informative and will be great for history lovers too.

Rating: 3.5/5

Emoji response: 😫😳😱🏴‍☠️☠🚢💰

You can order Wrecked Lives HERE.

Message from the author

As a retired electrical project manager in the Petro-chemical industry, I found time to complete my art degree with the Open University. It gave me the insight into research which led to various opportunities completely out of my own experiences. The first of which was to become and online English teacher for students in China, which I really enjoyed. The second was to complete a book that I had started a few years ago. I enjoy searching for fictional stories intertwined in factual events, where the characters emerge from the pages by themselves. Wrecked Lives was one such novel, as it inspired me because of the way in which the weather affected the whole story. The actual events that took place along the Scottish and Irish coasts also allowed me to research my own ancestry. My maternal grandfather originated from Orkney, and I knew of the Westray Dons on the island that gave me a tentative link to the story. Other factors came to light which allowed the characters to emerge, and they became easy to direct. Research is an important tool when writing about historical events, although I have found there to be several variations of the same facts. As a fictional author, I simply used the information to suit my storyline. It has also led me to writing a sequel, as there were too many unfinished stories to the first book.